Oh My
by Iroka
Summary: Ino and Temari finally feud over Shikamaru, but it turns into something a little more...Parody orgy IN A HOT TUB! Perverted Kakashi, vengeful Itachi, Priest Gaara, possessed Chouji. And to top things off: what the hell did Shino and Temari do to Itachi!
1. The Final Fight! Or Just The Start?

Authors Note: This is the most unlikely Ino x Shikamaru x Temari you'll ever read.

**also written by: miyakosujiwara**

* * *

_**Oh My…**_

* * *

"Ino-Pig!" Shouted the aggressive Temari.

"Sand-trash!" yelled a just as aggressive Ino.

"Shut the fuck up bitch, before I knock the _'wind' _out of you!"

"Oh yeah? Well I know a few _'mind games' _of my own!"

"Just face it! Shikamaru is mine!"

"Nuh-uh! He's mine you manly _'fangirl'_ !" Ino clenched her fist.

"This is such a drag." sighed Shikamaru. Standing about 20 feet away from the two bickering girls, standing along side men more curious of the situation.

"This is gay as hell." sighed Gaara. "I should make them into a _'sandwich_' "

"ZOMG! Gaara! _that _was gay. Who uses pawns?" Asked Naruto. "Only _'foxy_' people can do that!"

Kakashi sighed. Though he didn't have to stick around, it being a rather wet and muddy day, he wanted to see how this would turn out. He watched these young…underage kunoichis grow, fighting to the death would be the most use they could be to him.

"That's it!" shouted Ino. "I didn't want to have to mess up my Gucci outfit, but--"

"Gucci? I _thought_ I donated that outfit to Good Will(1) a while back." Temari gave a smug laugh.

Ino's eye began to twitch. "Insulting...my...fashion?"

Temari seemed confused as Ino stood still paralyzed, like a ticking bomb. Wondering if she just made her snap.

"Ha, figures a prissy girl like you would get insulted by something as futile as fashion."

"You...Will...DIIIIIIIE!!!!" Shouted Ino as she surprisingly leapt towards Temari 5 feet in in the air and pinning her to the ground.

"Whoa." said Naruto doe-eyed.

"interesting..." said a now aware Kakashi.

The two girls began to rustle on the ground. With Ino's occasional pulling of one of Temari's pig-tails. And Temari's occasional straddling attempting to choke Ino.

That went on for a few minutes until Temari stood up, bringing Ino up as well by her waist length blonde pony-tail. Ino began to struggle and reach to retrieve her hair, then in her only defense turned around and grabbed at Temari's shirt.

**RIIIIIIIIIIP**

Everybody paused in disbelief.

A shocked Temari looked down to see what she feared, her kimono shirt ripped in half and a red-lacey bra exposing.

Ino just stared in disbelief as well. "Oops."

"Whoa." said Kakashi mimicking Naruto's response.

"Aren't you 30?!" yelled Naruto in disgust towards his sensei.

"15 at heart." smiled Kakashi.

"You...bitch!" yelled Temari ripping at Ino's shirt as well. But she didn't stop at that, she began to rip at her purple skirt as well, until Ino was exposed in her lacey pink bra and matching panties.

Ino's eyes grew wide as they could, she was speechless. She would have remained speechless for a longer time, but Temari took this opportunity to tackle Ino into the mud puddle behind them. Both enraged at the other, the two began to wrestle around in the mud, as if they were professional mud wrestlers.

Shikamaru's face had changed from frustration and apathetic to more shocked than he had ever been.

"Oh...My...God..." was all he could say.

"Jesus loves me" said Kakashi with his one revealing eye wide open, not missing one second of this very unique and downright epic situation.

"I feel bad for not paying for a ticket to see this smut" Gaara sarcastically said.

The two girls continued to mud wrestle until Ino had ripped off Temari's skirt as well.

Temari froze looking at Ino for a second.

_**'She doesn't look half bad covered in mud, I can see why she'd think she actually stood a chance against me with Shika.'**_

Ino gazed up at Temari as well.

_**'Is that Victoria's Secret she's wearing? It looks so busty on her. How does she get her boobs to push up that much?'**_

Temari gazed down noticing exactly how exposed she was. "Oh my..." She responded with a sultry tone.

She smirked, then quickly knocking Ino down on her back. "You know, this situation isn't _that _troublesome."

Ino quickly caught on. _**'She wants me!' **_

Ino gave a smug smirk "Not really."

"Quiet you!" Temari said while grabbing Ino's hair and pulling her into a kiss.

"Oh lawrd, " said Kakashi while fanning his face.

"I knew it." said Gaara plainly.

"Shikamaru...lucky bastard..." said Naruto also not missing a second of this CRACK situation.

Shikamaru was still speechless. But he regained his composure and got in his "thinking pose" as if he were strategizing something.

Ino embraced Temari's passionate kiss. But now it was her turn since Temari made the first move. She then flipped Temari on her back and climbed on top of her, sliding her right knee up Temari's leg.

Temari smirked, but acted as though it didn't please her. This was also turning into a battle. Temari then sat up sitting on her knees and Ino doing the same. Temari then running her finger down Ino's cleavage, and going on down.

Before things could get hot and heavy Shikamaru stood up straight from his "thinking pose" as though out of a trance.

"Ladies, ladies, there is enough Shikamaru to go around. You two are absolutely filthy, let's take this to the bubble bath."

Shikamaru having the widest smirk because he knew at that that moment, he was a pimp.

Temari and Ino gazed at eachother for a second in question. Then both smiled.

"Will you promise to wash our backs?" Ino asked.

"But of course!" Shikamaru smiled.

Temari and Ino stood up hand in hand walking to Shikamaru.

The threesome were eventually out of sight heading to some unknown location for a "bubble bath". And here the other three men were still there in disbelief.

"What the hell?" asked Gaara still looking ahead as if they were still in that same mud hole, fighting and making out.

"Oops!" Kakashi yelled.

"Kakashi-Sensei! You didn't!!!!"

"Haha, this is why Akatsuki cloaks come in handy." laughed Itachi from a tree.

* * *

_**1-Good Will- That is a store where all clothing items are donated and the store then sells them VERY cheap. This is a place menat for poor people. So now you can see the diss to Ino. XD**_

_**(old) Haha, gay as hell, we know. But we like it! This is what happens when you discuss couples at lunch in school. XD.**_

_**New A/N: Dear mother of god, wtf was I thinking? This is the most IDIOTIC story ever. What was I thinking? Does this seem like a story a normal FEMALE would write? XDDDD I thought not either.**_

_**And this has the most reviews. OMG. D:**_

_**Well thanks a lot anyway! It IS pretty crack. XD**_


	2. Whose House Are We In?

_**11/Feb/10 a/n: I haven't really changed the plot, just corrected my horrible spelling. XD Thanks for the reviews!**_

_**Oh My Chapter 2. Whose House Is This?**_

* * *

"Umm, Shika?" asked a now calm Ino still in her muddy, lacey underwear.

"Yeeees?" Shikamaru hummed walking in between the two ladies.

"Well, you said, we're going to take _'this'_ to a bubble bath right?" Ino giggled.

"Yes I did." Shikamaru saidstill beaming.

He couldn't help but be filled with joy knowing he was about to take a bath with two hot blondes_..._

_**'and there all dirty waiting for Shika to wash them'**_

"And your mother and father are totally okay with this?" Temari asked.

Shikamaru being the genius that he is, already had this planned out, they were underestimating him.

"Don't worry ladies, I know this place with the _best_ bathtub in Konoha. Plenty of bubbles and water and fun."

The two blondes giggled, they knew they could trust his decision.

* * *

"I...still can't believe it...I really can't..." Naruto said.

The three men, Naruto, Gaara and Kakashi were still standing there, in disbelief.

"Yeah, now I'm very sad." sighed Kakashi.

"Glad to see you've calmed down." Naruto wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Ksah, when Shikamaru left with the girls, my whole evening ruined." Kakashi began to cry.

"You don't find this disgusting that Kakashi would do your sister, Gaara?" Naruto turned to the red head at his left.

"No, I always said if the Sand Village were low on money, I would just pimp her out to the highest bidder or force her to work at a strip club or something. I never thought the person to buy her AND strip her would be a girl though...That would explain the Victoria's Secret Catalog she subscribes to...but doesn't buy from...just stares at the pictures…hmmm..."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight." Naruto sighed, he should have known Gaara would say something like that. Although he doesn't recall Ino buying Temari from him…but she did strip her…

"Anyone want to go get drunk, smoke doobies and buy cheap hookers?" Gaara asked nonchalantly.

"I DO!" Kakshi jumped.

"NO!" Naruto yelled. "I say we go break up Shikamaru, Temari and Ino." Naruto clenched his fist as if it were a difficult mission he was about to take on with all his strength.

"OOOOH! ORGY!" Kakashi giggled.

"NO!" Naruto once again yelled with a face palm.

"I'm going to find a really cute puppy to kick." Gaara sighed and began to walk off.

"Screw you Gaara!" Naruto pointed at Gaara. "And screw you sensei! All you're thinking about is sex!" Naruto turned his attention to his sensei.

"Naruto, I am offended! I'm leaving."

Kakashi turned to walk away but slipped in a pile of mud.

"AHHHHH! Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

The blonde boy sighed and walked away. Kakashi still laying there in the pile of mud was helpless (so he thought).

"Life Alert(1), help me..." Kakashi sighed.

Naruto was plain out of sight, and Kakashi still laid there, defenseless. As Kakashi laid crying with tears of sorrow from being too lazy to step up, a dark figure appeared in front of him.

"Aunt Jemima(2)?" questioned Kakashi.

The dark figure threw out its hand and said in a deep voice "Come with me if you want to live."

"It _is_ you Aunt Jemima!" Kakashi grabbed (apprantly Aunt Jemima's) hand and jumped up.

"No it's not you drunken hussy!" yelled the voice.

Kakashi seemed puzzled. "Uncle Whoopi Goldberg?"

"NO! If you would look at my face you would see!"

Kakashi stared at his face for a moment. He realized it was Itachi.

"Hiya Itachi! Do you now work with Life Alert?"

Itachi just sighed. "You want to go have that orgy right?"

"With all my heart, I mean, penis!" yelled Kakashi.

"Uhhh...sure...Anyway," Itachi began "I'll take you there, making sure you...don't slip into anymore mud puddles, if you tell me where it is they're going."

Kakashi gave Itachi a suspicious look. "Why do you want to help me? And why do you want to go so much?"

"Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo"

"OooH! I love that song!" squeed Kakashi. "That's the Kill Bill theme, that plays when she's about to kill someone!"

"Duh Duh Duh Duh DUH DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHH!" Itachi continued.

"You out for revenge, eh?" Kakashi gave a sly look. "Well, just as long as you don't mess up my orgy I'll take you."

"But they never said where they were going...?"

"Yeah, but they said bubble bath, and I have a pretty good idea where..." Kakashi hummed skipping holding onto Itachi's hand.

"Here we are, ladies." Shikamaru said as they stood in front of a large house, more like large estate.

"Hey wait...isn't this...?" Ino questioned.

"Don't question the bath Ino." Temari snapped. "As you were saying Shika?"

"Yes. Let's be going in now..." Shikamaru started looking around suspiciously. "He shouldn't be back for a while..." He then mumbled to himself.

The three just walked in the front door. Which Shikamaru thought would be locked and more difficult to get in, considering who lived here. Coming into the house Temari and Ino began to look around with doe eyes.

"Nice place here." Temari stated.

"Yes, very nice indeed." Ino agreed.

"Yes, with a just as nice hot tub." Shikamaru said with a slight smirk. "Well, I'll show you two fine ladies up there. And we'll get clean...or dirty."

The two girls began to giggle.

"Okay, take us on up, since you know the way." Ino winked.

The three walked up the long, narrow tall set of stair cases, went through a few doors and took a few turns. This estate was so large, it was like a maze. Finally stopping at a large, white French door.

"Here it is. Let's go on in." Said Shikamaru opening the door and leading the two blondes inside behind him.

When they came in, the two girls awed at the sight. A HUGE bathroom, this was the largest and most extravagant bathroom they had seen anywhere. A lot of white, and so clean, they _knew _some wealthy woman had to own this. Straight ahead lye what they wanted the most, the hot tub. Their muddy journey had came to an end as it sat there in its white sparkly godliness begging to have many bubbles through in it.

"This has to be the best hot tub I've ever seen!" Ino shrieked

.

"Yeah, just look at it! It's huge! And so sparkly! And all the different types of bath items! These are girlier than mine!"

"Come on Shika! Let's get in!" Ino tugged at Shikamaru.

"Of course, but first we have to fill it up with water and bubbles OF LOOOOVE!"

Shikamaru began to fill the hot tub up with water and many varieties of bubbles. When it was full of water and bubbles Shikamaru grinned.

"Ladies, you _will_ need to remove your clothes for a bath, you know. Besides, you're absolutely dirty!"

The two blondes shared giggles.

"But of course, Shika."

* * *

"So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully. We got Em in the place who likes it in your face, we got G like MC who likes it on an Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady, and as for me you'll see. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around." rapped Shino walking up the stairs.

He finally reached the top and then went down a few halls and doors, same as the threesome before him.

"If you wanna be my lover! You gotta get with my friends! Make it last for-EVER friendship never ENDS!...YEAH!"

Shino walked in to three people sitting in the hot tub giggling, splashing around and...other things. The three stopped and turned their attention to a Shino in a pink towel wrapped around his waist with a rubber bug toy in his hand.

"Shit." said Shino staring at them through his glasses. "Temari????"

"Shino! What's up beaner? How tha hell have you been?" Temari laughed applying shampoo in Shikamaru's hair.

"Well, you know..."

"I haven't seen you since! ...well, you know...heheh."

"...yeah."

"_Bug_ off Shino! We're busy in here!" Yelled Shikamaru.

"Aburame Shino?" Ino questioned. "Why is he here?"

"Yeah, where exactly are we?" Temari questioned.

"Oh now you ask!" Ino yelled.

"Better late than never BIMBO!" Temari screamed back.

"Why you!" Ino yelled tackling Temari, jumping over Shikamaru. The two girls began to fight in the water. This seemed to become the usual.

"I'm going to...go..." Shino said scooting towards the door.

"No you don't ass target!" said a deep voice behind Shino. It being no other than the mighty Itachi with a giggling Kakashi behind him.

Temari and Ino started fighting, Shikamaru just stared and Shino turned around. Shikamaru pulled Ino and Temari apart and glowing red eyes across the room caught Temari's attention.

Temari and Shino both gasped. "YOU!?"

"Itachi????" Ino and Shikamaru both said dumb-founded.

"Yes. It is I, Itachi. And I am here for my vengeance!" Itachi dramatically made **SWOOSH **sound with his Akatsuki cape.

"Oh hell, he **SWOOSHED **his cape! He's serious!" yelled Shino.

"Haul Ass!" yelled Temari.

"Nuh-uh," Itachi shook his head. "Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo."

"I love that song!" Ino yelled. "That plays every time Uma Thurman is about to kill someone! YAY! Sing the rest."

"Shut up bitch and let me finish!" Yelled Itachi "Duh duh duh duh duh DUH DUH DUHHHHHH!"

"I thought you said this wouldn't mess with my orgy Itachi!" Kakashi puffed.

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_**(old) Authors Note: I was going to finish it off with chapter two, but that would have made it really long. I think the ending will be chapter 3. SO MUCH RANDOMNESS COMING UP! Who's house ARE Itachi, Kakashi, Shino, Temari, Shika, and Ino in? What do Shino & Temari have in common? Why Itachi wants revenge...FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!**_


	3. Party in the hot tub!

_**Author's Note: Ah yes, it has been a very, very, very, very, very long time on waiting for this final chapter and boy was it long compared to the rest! Sorry for not updating on this story forever, I had no inspiration on it until somebody reviewed it and called me a moron. Why a flame inspired me you ask? Well it was my first ever flame and I wanted to celebrate it by finishing off my first ever story! Thanks for the wait. **_

_**BTW as my punishment for not updating fast enough I will hold a meeting in time square where you all may stone me to death. I will provide the stones.**_

_**Disclaimer: No offense to: hookers, pot smokers, perverts, cute puppies, Life Alert, Aunt Jimaima pancakes, puns, mud puddles, homophobes, Kill Bill, Uma Thurman, orgies, threesomes, twosomes, onesomes, foursomes and so on with the counting, The Swedes, Caramelldansen, Those who participate in the Caramelldansen, Catholics, those who steal catholic costumes, those who have sand in their vagina, Nazis, zombies, aliens, and Nazi zombies from outterspace, The Color Purple, Uncle Whoopi Goldberg, Transgender mommies, hot tubs around the world, pumpkin cupcakes, kamehameha wave, any members of the yucky bug clan, Goths, clan killers, Satan, Latin (RIP), Christian camp, super-special-awesome ninja skills, and Star Wars. But to those who are offended at Halloween and Hannah Montanna, DROP DEAD!**_

_**BYE. XD**_

"The time has come, the time that is now, THAT IS THE TIME! The time is 6:00p.m. and it has ARRIVED!"

"What time?" Ino shook confused and scared at the fearsome clan killer.

"The time that I enact my revenge on YOU TWO!" Itachi pointed to Temari and Shino.

They both gasped in unison.

"L-look Itachi, can't we all just forget about this? I mean, that was so long agoooo…" Temari trailed off nervously splashing the water.

"NO! It has ruined my life ever since! I have nightmares about still till this day."

"OH MY GOD you whiney man!" Shino shouted.

"Itachiiiii, it was a party, we were all having fun…" Temari smiled.

"No, it WAS a party until you two got me drunk and forced me to…." Itachi looked down in shame.

"What did you make him do Temari?" Ino and Shikamaru shouted in terrified unison.

"Well you see…"

"Stick a fan in it, hussy and let me tell the story!"

Everybody stayed silent and granted Itachi's wish. They didn't want to die naked…or did they? Well either way they didn't want to die at the hands of Itachi.

Itachi looked off into the distance towards the screen where his flash back was entering. Everybody gave suspicious looks and complied with looking at his flashback.

"_Hey Itachi? How's the party going?" Temari gave Itachi an evil smirk._

"_O-oh, things are going quite well." Itachi gave a humble smile._

"_Here have some alcohol it's good for you!" Shino shoved the drink into Itachi's hand._

"_Oh no thank you, I'm a designated driver tonight."_

"_DRINK IT YOU NERD!" Temari shoved the drink down Itachi's throat._

"Then after that, that's when they pursued to have their way with me…" Itachi said finally. "I was raped by those two monsters at a party…"

"WTF HOLD UP!" Temari shouted.

"I can't believe you raped him!" Ino shouted at Temari "Are you that desperate?"

"He's an _Akatsuki _member you can't really believe that's how it happened!" Shino almost laughed.

"Then what really happened?" Shikamaru asked.

"Well nothing like Itachi described. You see, Itachi thinks we have something in our possession that we're going to use against him one day to destroy him…"

"Destroy him? What could possibly do that." Ino asked.

Shino coughed and motioned for everybody to gaze at the flashback he was about to have.

"_You know what? I hate that Pein bastard!" slurred a drunk Itachi, "With him and his big STUPID piercings as to say 'yeah, I live an alternative lifestyle, what of it?'. I mean COME ON! I killed my whole clan I'm WAY more goth than him. He thinks-he thinks just because he's got some babe goth girlfriend at his side to assure him of his goth status that he's more goth than me! Look at my nails! I mean, they maybe purple and not black, but that just proves how goth I really am. That I don't have to cover myself in black to prove I'm a goth." Itachi looked at his nails._

"_Oh my god, this guy is so annoying when he's drunk." Shino sighed "Why did you invite him, Temari?"_

"_I'm sorry, he threatened to kill me and my whole clan. So I thought I'd get out of it by inviting him to a party…"_

"_OH MY GOD!" Itachi jumped up._

"_What? What is it?" Temari asked surprised at his sudden action._

"_I LOOOOOOVE THIS SONG!"_

"_The Caramelldansen….?" Shino raised an eyebrow._

"_YES. YES. I dance to it every time it comes on!"_

"_I gotta film this." Shino busted out his cellphone._

"_No, don't he'll get mad when he sobers up!" Temari urged him to put the cellphone down._

"_No way, we need something to bribe him with so he'll stop threatening to kill our clans so we'll invite him to parties."_

_Shino smirked and Temari along with the rest of the party looked horrified as they witnessed the famous Uchiha lose all his pride while participating in that crazy Swedish song we know as "Caramel Dance". The way he looked so happy putting his arms above his head and flailing around during the WHOLE song. Most people do it for 10 seconds tops as a way to get a laugh from their friends. But no, Itcahi was in it to win it. He caramelldansed until start to end. _

"And Shino got it all on tape…" Shikamaru said finally understanding.

"I MUST HAVE THAT TAPE!" Itachi shouted.

"Pfffft, I deleted that months ago. I posted it on Youtube as a gag, but so many people unsubscribed I had to take it down to save the dignity of my hard work on my AMVs."

"Oh…" was all Itachi said.

They all sat there in silence for a long time, no one moving, waiting for Itachi to speak. Kakashi had oddly been quiet this whole time too. Now he decided to speak.

"Okay I get it, you're into Swedes, now can I have my orgy?" Kakashi puffed.

Itachi pushed Kakashi into the water. Temari and Ino shrieked.

Kakshi came afloat and shouted "Yay! Now I'm having an orgy."

"Just because these chicks are into gay stuff doesn't mean I am!" Shikamaru shouted, jumping out of the bathtub and running out the door with no intentions of coming back…even for his clothes…

"Good, I don't like yaoi fan fiction anyway." Kakashi smirked pouring more bubbles into the hot tub.

"Now that you all know this, I must destroy you so the memory can not live on!" Itachi shouted over the noise of the up and running hot tub filled with bubbles.

"But Shikamaru knows too! Go destroy him first!" Temari shouted.

"How can you say that Temari?" Ino shouted to her. "We just fought in a mud pile over him and you're ready to push him under the bus."

"To be honest…I just like mud wrestling in underwear." Temari hung her head low.

"Oh! I like you!" Kakashi turned to Temari.

"Kaaaa meeee haaaaa meeeeee!"

"Itachi, are you about to do a kamehameha wave?" Shino shouted.

"Why yes I am, thank you for catching that reference Shino."

Itachi continued. "Kaaaaa Meeeee Haaaa MEEEEEEEEEEE"

"WHAT DO WE DO?" Temari shouted.

"Sit here in fear and hope someone comes in and saves the day!" Kakashi shouted holding onto Temari.

"OMG SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH! Why do you people always interrupt me?" Itachi sighed. "Okay now….KAAAAA MEEEEE HAAAAA MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

"STOOOOOOP! Do NOT harm my DAUGHTER!….yeah!"

Everybody stopped and looked behind Itachi.

"Deidara? WTF are you doing here?" Itachi sighed.

"I'm here…for my daughter!"

"Your daughter?" everybody asked in confusion.

"YOU!" Deidara pointed to the bathtub with the three ninja.

"Me?" Kakashi questioned.

"No, not you, idiot, the one you're feeling up."

"Oh, me!" Temari said excited she guessed it right.

"WTF are you guys blind? NO. INO. Ino is my daughter!"

"What?" Ino asked shaking her head. "That's no true, that's impossible!"

"It is, where do you think you get your blue eyes from? Or your long blonde hair in and ponytail?"

"Uhm, my dad?" Ino raised an eyebrow.

"That's true, she does look like her dad." Shino said and everybody agreed nodding.

"No, no, no, you got it from me." Deidara shook his head. "Your father was always jealous of my beautiful looks." Deidara blushed.

"Wait, so I don't get it…you're my real dad?" Ino asked more confused.

"Uhhhh, no silly! I'm your real mother!"

Everybody gazed at Deidara confused.

"I mean, I always knew you were fruity and all, but I just assumed you were a boy…" Itachi said now forgetting about his revenge.

"Forget about what you think you knew about me Itachi!" Deidara stared down. "All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain't safe in a family of men, but I ain't thought I never have to fight in my own house!"

"That quote from 'The Color Purple' will do no good here." Itachi said plainly cutting off that nonsense now.

"I loves Harpo! God knows I do! But I'll kill him dead 'fo I let him beat me!" Deidara cried.

"Effing moron!" Itachi sighed. "Now where was I?"

Itachi and everybody paused, there was a THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. The THUMP was moving. Moving upstairs. The THUMP followed the same path as they all did before.

"Oh my god, what is that?" Ino shrieked.

"Don't worry my daughter, mommy is here!" Deidara jumped into the tub hugging his…er her daughter?

"Oh, I hope it's another woman!" Kakashi smiled contently, washing Deidara's back.

The THUMP shook the house, everybody held on, thinking it was an earthquake. The THUMP came to the door. It stopped for a moment. Everybody stared in fear at what was at the other side of the door.

A loud crash came through, causing Itachi and Shino to fall back and splashing in the hot tub.

"Get THE HELL OUT, boys!" Kakashi yelled. He wanted no men in this tub besides him.

"Chouji?" Ino looked past the heads in the crowded hot tub.

"Ino, I need your help!" Chouji looked around munching on potato chips.

"With what? How did you find me here?"

"Uh, everybody knows of this location duh." Chouji said simply. Everybody but Temari and Ino nodding in agreement. This hot tub was infamous.

"Well what do you want? Can't you tell I'm…busy?" Ino didn't want to admit she were bathing with Temari of the Sand, Shino of the yucky bug clan, Kakashi the perverted sensei, and the two crazy Akatsuki members Itachi and Deidara (who is now her new mother), but there was no way of getting out of this situation with words.

"The Devil's Food Cake…it speaks with me…" Chouji stared wide eyed at Ino.

"WHAT." everybody asked in plain unison.

"Just because it's called Devil's food cake doesn't mean anything, stupid!" Ino shouted.

"You don't understand Ino! It talks to me, tells me to do naughty things! It's the cake of the devil! I can't stop eating because it's so good, the devil has led me into temptation!" Chouji grabbed his head.

"Oh he's been taking you down that path for a long time, fatty…" Itachi stared plainly with bubbles all over him.

"A devil food cake? I can't let my daughter be near this evilness! Come Ino! We must flee!" Deidara grabbed his (her?) daughter and prepared to jump out of a near window when someone busted through it before they could.

There was a blur from the glass when it all cleared they saw Gaara standing there.

"Gaara what are you doing here? WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" Temari shouted.

"GLORIA PATRI, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum. Amen." Gaara kissed his cross.

"What did you just say?" Shino questioned confused.

"That was Latin, duh." Gaara said nonchalantly tugging his cross back into his outfit.

"Gaara why are you dressed like a Catholic priest?" Temari stared wide eyed. "And when did you learn a dead language?"

"No time for that I must vanquish this demon!" Gaara made his move pulling out a bottle with clear liquid.

"Is that holy water…?" Shino questioned.

"Credo in Deum Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem caeli et terrae. Et in Iesum Christum, Filium eius unicum, Dominum nostrum, qui conceptus est de Spiritu Sancto, natus ex Maria Virgine, passus sub Pontio Pilato, crucifixus, mortuus, et sepultus, descendit ad infernos, tertia die resurrexit a mortuis, ascendit ad caelos, sedet ad dexteram Dei Patris omnipotentis, inde venturus est iudicare vivos et mortuos. Credo in Spiritum Sanctum, sanctam Ecclesiam catholicam, sanctorum communionem, remissionem peccatorum, carnis resurrectionem, vitam aeternam. Amen."

People sat there in the hot tub dumb-founded.

"That was a mouthful…" Kakashi said finally.

"No time to chat, I must move fast!" Gaara began to douse his holy water in Chouji's face.

Everybody sweat-dropped, thinking Gaara and Chouji were crazy for this whole charade.

It came to their surprise when Chouji began screaming wildly like he were in pain. His skin sizzled and he rolled around, Gaara continued his holy water and Latin prayers. It was working?

After several minutes it seemed to be over.

"Oh thank you priest Gaara, I feel so much better."

"Do not go into temptation, my son, never touch that tainted Devil's food cake again. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen." Gaara kissed his cross.

Feeling much better Chouji stood up and walked out of the house a new man.

"Let me be the one to ask this, WHAT THE FUUUUU." Shino said plainly.

"You know Gaara, when father sent you to Christian camp that one year, I never thought it would change you this way." Temari sighed.

"But didn't you want to smoke doobies, get cheap hookers, and kick cute puppies?" Kakashi asked confused.

"Yeah and your point?" Gaara raised an eyebrow.

Everybody shook their head as to say 'never mind'.

"Oh yeah. Come on. You get the limo out front. Hottest styles, every shoe, every color! Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun. It's really you but no one ever discovers. In some ways you're just like all your friends. But on stage you're a star. You get the beeeeeeeeest of both worlds! Chill it out, take it slow! Then you rock out the show! You get the beeeeeeeest of both worlds! Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds!" Sasuke Uchiha hummed walking up to his estate carrying grocery bags.

He hummed along to the rest of the lyrics as he neared his door. He looked up at his window. Why was his window broken? Maybe someone broke in? No, that couldn't be it, why would they break into the bathroom window on the 3rd floor? But he had to admit someone may since it was a very nice bathroom.

He walked through his house into his kitchen to put up the groceries.

"Oh I just can't wait to bake these cupcakes for Halloween!" Sasuke smiled at the boxes that contain cake mix for pumpkin cupcakes. "I'm gonna bake them and dress up like a priest and hand them out! Oh everybody is gonna laugh at my Halloween party tonight." Sasuke smiled.

He heard a thump upstairs.

"What was that?" he asked aloud.

It sounded like it was coming all the way from the third floor. "Someone DID break in!" How dare they taint his awesome bathroom?

He dashed upstairs fast in his super-special-awesome ninja manner. He listened at the door, he heard so much different noises going on in there. WHAT THE HELL?

He busted through the door to see what creeps would be in his bathroom.

Everybody paused staring at the man that came through the door. Sasuke paused staring at the site in his beautiful bathroom.

He was so shocked he had no idea what to do, what to say. Everybody was froze in the position they were in when he busted through. Temari was scrubbing Shino's back, Shino was washing Ino's hair, Deidara was knitting a sweater, Itachi was painting his nails….WHAT WAS ITACHI DOING HERE? Kakashi was updating about his orgy on Twitter and Gaara was in a priest outfit, making the faces of biblical figures out of sand.

"WTF THAT'S MY COSTUME!" Sasuke finally said. "You're getting it dirty!"

"Get the sand out of your vagina, Uchiha, I was just borrowing it." Gaara looked away.

"AND YOU! ALL OF YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?" Sasuke spazzed out at the filthiness of all these random people in his hot tub.

"So this is Sasuke's house?" Ino blushed. "If I would have known that well…I would have came here a long time ago!" Ino squeed.

"How did you all get in here?" Sasuke was angry.

"Look Sasuke, if you don't want people breaking into your house while you're gone (sometimes asleep) and bathing in your lovely bathroom you shouldn't brag about it." Shino said.

"I don't brag about it THAT much!"

"Well you know, when Good Housekeeping did that article on it, that was the last straw." Shino responded.

"Everybody kinda comes in here a lot to bathe in it…" Kakashi added.

"Guess you'll think twice about bragging." Deidara said in a motherly tone, continuing his knitting in the hot tub.

"You're out of bath beads." Itachi said nonchalantly still painting his nails.

"YOU! Itachi! How dare you show your face here! After you killed my WHOLE CLAN!" Sasuke raged, going into ragey-emo mode.

"Blah blah, all you had to do was invite him to a party." Temari waved her hand dismissing it.

"He thinks he's sooooo special because Itachi killed his clan, he threatens everybody's clan." Shino added.

"He threatened mine 6 times this month." Deidara continued knitting.

Sasuke sighed in defeat. How did this all happen? How did it all come down to this? Was the world turned upside down? He turned and walked out of the bathroom shutting the door. He needed a drink before he could come back and comprehend this.

"How rude he didn't even say goodbye." Gaara said.

"Or even ask if we wanted any of those pumpkin cupcakes." Shino added with his super hearing thanks to his bugs.

"Who is his mother? He ought to be ashamed." added Deidara.

"Hn." Itachi said painting his nails.

"Ew, who passed _wind_?" asked Temari.

"Are we still invited to Sasuke's Halloween party?" Ino questioned.

AND THEN THE NAZI ZOMBIES FROM OUTTERSPACE ATTACKED. THE END. AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!


End file.
